Ron Benton

Weird Beard

2009-03-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

What's up Bobble-heads?? Yeah, I'm doing this afternoon thing now..

More-Ron In The Afternoon!!

I hope you guys like it!

And, I don't know about you...but it's kinda hard to picture your boss as the guy who's helping you set the building on fire...so, to remedy that situation, with the help of Phil, we have given our fearless leader...Jeff Couch, AKA "Cooch"...the new name - WEIRD BEARD!!

Therefore, this is what I will be picturing, everytime he walks into the studio with me!!

Business up front; Party in the back!

2009-02-26T13:30:00.000-08:00

Street Signs For Green Bay's "Mullet Place" Disappear Several Times A Year

The hairstyle is short on the top and long in the back, and in Green Bay the mullet has it's very own street signs _ at least when the signs haven't been stolen. Mullet Place may not be named for the kind of hair design that became popular a few decades ago, but fans apparently like to grab the signs anyway because they disappear several times a year."We've gone through a lot of Mullet Place signs," said a city Public Works spokesman. "My only guess is that people are still in love with the '70s and '80s when the mullet haircut was prominent. I don't know."

At times, every sign on the two-block street has been gone, frustrating some residents."When you tell somebody directions how to get to your place, you've got to tell them it's the third road on the left, because there's no sign to tell them how to get to Mullet Place," said someone not nearly cool enough to have ever worn OR rocked The Mullet.

The city has attempted to stop the thievery by mounting the signs beyond anyone's reach, about 20 feet from the ground. It costs $100 each to replace the signs. Stealing one can cost a lot more. Police say anyone caught taking a street sign can be fined $361 for theft plus $676 for criminal damage to property.

FEAR THE MULLET BABY! FEAR THE MULLET!

What the Chuck???

2009-02-24T14:17:00.000-08:00

The Jim Thorpe Association has listed all the folks eligible to be voted into the Oklahoma Sports Hall of Fame. And this year's list of eligibles...is pretty impressive!!

From football...you've got the Boz.

From baseball...that monster, Pete Inviglia.

Out on the links...Bob Tway.

From wrestling...Kendall Cross.

From rodeo...I don't know if he was any good or not...but, I'm gonna use him for my fake-name everytime I go to Vegas from this point forward...Clem McSpadden!! "Howdy ma'am..I'm Clem McSpadden!"

Oh, and there was this one other guy who's eligible to be voted in...and if the voters know what's good for them...HE WILL Be! That person..comes to us from the world of martial arts...and you bet your sweet bippy, I'm talkin' 'bout Chuck Norris. HALLELUJIAH!

So, for any of the Hall's voters who may be thinking twice about whether Lonewolf McQuade, himself, deserves a spot (well hell...his own wing) in the hall of Fame)...here's a few sports facts about the man, you may wanna consider:

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word "hunting" infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

And, one time when Chuck Norris played golf for money, he marked down a 0 for every hole. A pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck turned toward the man and said, "I'm Chuck Norris". The man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful way to die than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris. Chuck roundhouse kicked him in the face anyway.

So, you see, Chuck may be Walker, TEXAS Ranger...but don't think for a second he won't come back to Oklahoma and get you, because you should always remember...if you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Don't say you haven't been warned! I'd check that box next to his name if I were you!

You Can't Make Crap Like This Up!

2009-02-23T13:26:00.000-08:00

You may have noticed that we're in a bit of an economic crisis, huh? Well, guess who doesn't get it?? That's right ...professional athletes!

I submit for your amusement...the Washington Nationals' Odalis Perez, who's been released after he failed to show up at spring training by the mandatory reporting deadline. Less than 3 weeks ago...he signed a minor league contract that would have paid him $850,000 if he made the team. In other words...come in and make the team...and we'll pay you a pretty decent wage!! And to be honest...it's a HELLUVA wage based on the fact that in 30 starts last year...he only won 7 times!!! So...if he could manage to do that again...and that's a huge IF...he'd get more that 121,000 per win....but no!! He's said in recent days, he wants a better deal. And if you look at what he's BEEN PAID per win...you can see why he thinks he'll be underpaid... because from the years 2003-'07...over 5 years, he won a total of 40 games, and for winning those 40 games...he was compensated with a "Dr. Evil-like" 29.4 MILLION dollars, or, doing the math...735 thou per win!!! So, I guess if you look at it his way...(and you'd have to be a crack head to do so)...by his standards...he will be underpaid!

Can you say...he just doesn't get it??

And while we're talking about Dollars..and NO SENSE...the Colts Marvin Harrison...he's an idiot! In order to help get the team a little closer to the salary cap...they asked him to take a little pay-cut, which, is pretty understandable when you take into consideration that he's 37... and he only caught 60 passes for 636 yards and five touchdowns last season. BUT...he said NO, I will NOT take a pay cut. You can just cut me!! His cap number for next year would have been 13.4 million... the league's highest for a wide receiver, and he's just not worth that much money any more. BUT, after 13 years with a team that's treated him like a king...he won't even DISCUSS helping them stay competitive...and will, more than likely, wind up in Philly with his old Syracuse buddy Donovan McNabb...playing for about a QUARTER of what the Colts would be willing to pay him!

AGAIN...dude...do you not watch the news? There's this whole financial crisis deal going on that you may wanna look into!!!

More Baseball Talk

2009-02-19T14:49:00.000-08:00

Can you tell I'm fired up about Spring Training FINALLY arriving?? However, until the games begin, the "off-field" nonsense continues to make headlines.

Today's entry involves CASH, and I'm not talkin' 'bout the Man in Black!!

I'm sure you kids are well aware of the whole "pot calling the kettle black" thing, right? Well, that's the first thing I thought of when I read the words from Red Sox owner John Henry, who is renewing his call for a baseball salary cap. I guess he wasn't very happy with the Yankees spending 423.5 million this offseason on 3 free agents. And while I've got NO problem with somebody bringing that up., ESPECIALLY during these economic times...when it's thee idiot Henry talking...it kind of makes me giggle a little bit!

Over the last 5 years...the Yankees have been #1 in team payroll (averaging almost 200 mill a year), BUT in ALL BUT ONE of those seasons (that being last year) ...who do you think has been second? Yeah, that's right...the Red Sox!! Now, had it been my Orioles calling for a salary cap...it'd be alot easier to take...with their average payroll the last 5 years...around 71 mill.
Or, how about the Kansas City Royals...at 51 million. OR...how about the Florida Marlins...at 33 million with a low of less than FIFTEEN million for their ENTIRE TEAM...just 3 years ago!

Meanwhile, the Red Sox have been dishing out, on average of 128 million a year!! Oh, and I guess Henry's memory fails him about thee events of November 23, 2007...when they signed Dice-K Matsuzaka to a 6 year, 103 million dollar deal AFTER writing a check for 51 million just for the right to negotiate with him!

Like I said...had anybody else been griping...maybe we'd pay attention...but PLEASE...Somebody hand Mr. Henry one of those little plastic cups please...because he's gotta be on crack to open HIS mouth about this!! Have ya another hit off that pipe John, and then "Shat Ap"!! Oh, and I hope Dice-K's arm falls off!

I LOVE BASEBALL!!

"An Unopen Letter To Baseball Fans"

2009-02-17T15:08:00.000-08:00

Today, Wednesday Feb. 18th, we're only a week away from Spring Training games opening up...so, I'm about good and ready to look ahead to my favorite sport. HOWEVER, before we can all do so...we need to visit ONE LAST TIME ...with one of the greatest "Dog and Pony Shows" EVER yesterday, as Alex Rodriguez MET the MEDIA for the first time since his admission of steroid use.

At this juncture, I really don't think I have it in me to point out the list of how many times he LIED AGAIN, contradicted humself NUMEROUS TIMES, professed his LOVE for the teammates who were there to support him ...and basically..accepted ZERO BLAME for anything he's ever put into his body. I mean, other than that...what he said was just fine.

Oh, and on the very same day that's going on...thee idiot Commissioner, Bud Selig says he's bothered by the suggestion that he's to blame for the steroids era. His quote..."I don't want to hear the commissioner turned a blind eye to this or he didn't care about it. That annoys the you-know-what out of me. You bet I'm sensitive to the criticism". Well you OUGHTTA BE!!! Because while you weren't solely to blame...you were definitely a big part of it babe!

At this point kids...I'm ready to let it go..because, quite frankly, I really don't care what they're taking to gain a competitve advantage, because I know damn right well, that if there was something available for me to be better at what I do for a living, even if it was illegal ...BUT my company had no desire to test for it because they were going to make even more money off of me...you bet your sweet bippy I'd take it! (that was an incredible run-on sentence! My 3rd grade teacher would be so disppointed!) But anyway, if you're being honest with yourself...so would most of you!! If you could take a pill and be a better salesman, plumber, chef...whatever...ya know ya would!!!!

Also, from a business standpoint...the game of baseball has never been healthier than it has been during the steroid era. After the work stoppage in '94 that cancelled the World Series, they were in trouble. A whole bunch of people walked away...swearing to never come back, But, they came back in droves 4 years later during the '98 home run chase between Mark MCGwire and Sammy Sosa. That, in itself, may have saved the game...so, if you were an owner of a baseball team...would you care what it took to put the butts back in the seats? Probably not if you're being honest! Especially since Three-quarters of the teams are playing in stadiums built SINCE McGwire and Sosa's run, so, NOBODY involved was turning a blind eye to this!! They were in it together!

This INCLUDES the Players Union...which fought so hard AGAINST drug testing. The funny thing is...they probably didn't even need to, because thee owner's didn't care. The players were goin' deep and gettin' paid! Thee owners were raising ticket prices and gettin' millions in sponsorship dollars from half thee idiots involved in the bailout.....and thee only suckers involved in the whole deal...are the fans...who ever believed in the FIRST place...that this was anything more than business!!

So, from this day forward...I officially don't care what they do! During this "steroid era"...the pitchers were cheating just as much as the hitters!!! And to be honest...I don't care what you're on or how strong you are...if Major League Umpires enforced the strike zone the way it's written in the book...from the letters to the knees...or gave everybody else besides Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine and extra 3 inches off both sides of the plate...we wouldn't even be talking about this!!! You wanna fix baseball?? Well, that's good...because thee owners and players have NO interest in doing it! And if you were them...neither would you!

But please...Alex, Roger, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmerio, BUD Selig...don't insult me and talk to me like I'm stupid EVER AGAIN!!

Now play ball!!!!

I Can't Drive 85!!

2009-02-17T13:31:00.000-08:00

Today's Father of the Year candidate comes to us from the Phoenix Suns...

...where one of their guards, Jason Richardson, was arrested after police said he was driving 55 mph above the limit with his unrestrained 3-year-old son in the car. Nice!!

A law-man first saw Richardson driving 67 in a 40 on Sunday night and being intrigued by this fact, he decided to follow that car. That's when the officer clocked him at 90 mph in a 35 and pulled him over.

Richardson said he had taken his son to dinner and was on his way home....really fast!!! He was arrested and charged with reckless driving, excessive speeding and failure to use a child seat. Police called his wife to come get the kid from the scene of the stop, which had to be nice.

And this follows Richardson being cited in December on suspicion of a DUI. At that time, he called the incident "one stupid mistake I made," and said he hoped it wouldn't change the public's perception of him. If that's a stupid mistake...what do you call going 90 in a 35 with your kid crawling around in the back seat??

I wouldn't sweat the public perception though. After the last couple weeks...the public pretty much EXPECTS ALL high profile athletes to be morons!

This is just wrong!!

2009-02-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

Thanks so much to a BOB listener by the name of Kirk, who sent us the following over the weekend.

Click on the following link and then prepare to poke your eyes out with a fork! Haha!

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/mSP5hU0SjXGSqQpQG0AD

HOWEVER...Kirk did manage to redeem himself with the following Valentine's day tribute to Miss Stacy Barton.

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/o793q5lUibgVXVvk5wg3

Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Pitchers and Catchers Report!!!

2009-02-12T14:15:00.001-08:00

As a Fanatical Fan of our National Pasttime...Spring Training can't get here quick enough for me!! Baseball fans everywhere are as giddy as a kid on Xmas Eve with the arrival of the 4 happiest words you can ever hear (besides "Clemens Goes To Jail")...and those 4 words ARE... Pitchers and Catchers report!! All over Florida and Arizona, Spring Training's about to be officially underway...which is a very good thing.

It'll be good to get back to some "ON FIELD" news as soon as possible, because yesterday, I about wanted to puke when I read the comments from the Commish, "Captain Comb-over", Bud Selig with regard to A-Roid's admission this week. He said Rodriguez has "shamed" the game, adding, "I am saddened by the revelations. What Alex did was wrong, and he will have to live with the damage he has done to his name and reputation." YOU'RE saddened are you?? As the man who's been paid to OVER-SEE the game of baseball throughout this entire embarassment of the "Steroid Era"...you're saddened are ya??? What a JOKE!!! He and thee owners (who pull the strings on this puppet) happily turned their heads thee other way while the ticket sales went up along with the home run numbers. You kill me Bud! You absolutely kill me!

Speaking of SHAMING the game... did you catch the headline about Darryl Strawberry and the book he has coming out in April?? Here's a few little tidbits: "We were the boys of summer. The drunk, speed-freak, sneaking-a-smoke boys of summer.

It was a rolling frat party . . . drinking, drugs, fights, gambling, groupies. Beer "was the foundation of our alcoholic lifestyle.

We hauled around more Bud than the Clydesdales. The beer was just to get the party started and maybe take the edge off the speed and coke.

The team's mantra on the road, he writes, was to "tear up your best bars and nightclubs and take your finest women . . . The only hard part for us was choosing which hottie to take back to your hotel room. Lots of times you . . . picked two or three.

As for how the Mets would kill time between innings, he relates how team members picked out girls from the stands for quickies. He once watched a pitcher march a frisky fan to a private room for sex: "I was jealous. When I saw her heading back to her seat, I gave her a sign. She smiled, turned right back around, and met me in that same little room . . . I had to be quick and run back out on the field.

Another time, "I was in the clubhouse, having one last quickie with this cute little Florida girl. The equipment manager, came in and caught us. He just stood there shaking his head while I finished up." Nice Darryl! Real nice!!

Happy V-D!

2009-02-12T08:07:00.000-08:00

On this morning's show, Stacy, Phil and I were talking about Ted Nugent's "Love Manifesto", a list of the cool love songs that "set the mood" for the Motor City MadMan!

3 of Ted's Top 10 included the word "wang". Mine on the other hand...is a little more subtle, so, I submit for your approval,my Top 5 Songs To Set the Mood for Valentine's Day lovin':

5. Van Morrison - Crazy Love : Unbelievable song! You can't go wrong with this, Tupelo Honey, or Into The Mystic! Van is the MAN!

4. Jack Johnson - Fortunate Fool : Pure and simple...GREAT make-out tune! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLR4g33W6R8

3. Sinatra - In The Wee Small Hours of the Morning : A song about just how how badly a man can miss a woman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqmgldSVgXM

2. Dean Martin - Ain't That A Kick In The Head : Smoothest Dude to ever belt out a tune!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sTP994tOMk

And my #1 song to set the mood for some Valentine's Day lovin'...this one was easy!!

Chris Isaak - Wicked Game is the ULTIMATE gettin' nasty song of all time!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xyb2I0NgrYw

Today In Sports

2009-02-11T13:08:00.000-08:00

Kicking things off in the NFL...Brett Favre has retired...again! And this time he means it! Really! I'm not kidding! This time around, there was no tearful ceremony, as in the case just 11 months ago when he quit the Packers...just word that he'll have his agent tell the Jets that he's done. (What..you can't make a call yourself, ya tool? You didn't have any problem hopping on a private jet to jack with the Pack last Summer) But anyway, he sent an e-mail to ESPN's Ed Werder, saying that he had no regrets about finishing his career with the Jets (yeah right) rather than the Packers, who he played with for 16 years. In the e-mail, he mentioned Thomas Jones and Kerry Rhodes, a couple Jets who were publicly critical of him after the team's collapse in the final month of the season, that prevented them from making the playoffs, saying, "My teammates -- Thomas and Kerry included -- were a pleasure to play with". The dude could definitely play, but what he did to the Packers was about a load of crap.

In other football news...thee old farts who run thee NCAA want coaches to talk about turning some dead-ball celebration penalties into live-ball fouls, which could result in taking points off the scoreboard. It's not a formal proposal yet and isn't likely to take effect for at least two years, but the committee wants to gauge support among coaches. If the rule was eventually changed, players who begin taunting opponents before reaching the end zone could have those touchdowns called back.

Another rule they need to look at..is DEFENSIVE players getting up off the ground and stepping OVER the guy they just tackled...insetad of just rolling off and walking back to their huddle. I don't care about a guy having a good time when he scores a touchdown...but there's NOTHING more disrespectul or unsportsmanlike than that stepping over people garbage!

In other stuff...not the best week EVER our in-state athletes, as the "Badlam BAIL Battle"...is dead even now. Earlier in the week...the Sooners got us started with basketball player Roy Willis being suspended from the team, following his weekend arrest on suspicion of driving under the influence. The 19-year-old was later released on bond.

And now...the Pokes have drawn even at 1-apiece, with Coach Gundy's Gang taking a hit (and I do mean - take a hit)...yesterday, with OSU wide receiver, Bo Bowling, being suspended indefinitely from the team after being hauled in on Sunday by the Stillwater police. He's been charged with possession of marijuana with intent to distribute, possession of a controlled substance and unlawful possession of drug paraphernalia. Not good son...because as we know..only Michael Phelps gets away that!!! It's kinda tough to beat on the kids though after the week we've had in the world of sports.

Times of Turmoil

2009-02-10T14:59:00.000-08:00

When times are tough, aren't sports supposed to provide a pleasant distraction from your everyday struggles? If so...they're not doin' such a hot job here recently, are they? As a matter of fact...these may be some of the darkest days ever in the WACKY world of sports...because the "BONG HIT HEARD ROUND THE WORLD"... won't go away!!!

South Carolina's News 10...is reporting that, as a result of the sheriff's investigation into the party were Michael Phelps was on the pipe...eight arrests have been made....seven for drug possession and one for distribution. They're also reporting that the Department has located and confiscated that bong, and sources say the owner of the bong was trying to sell it on eBay for as much as $100,000. Oh, and due him trying to cash in...this moron, who wasn't even at the party, is one of the eight now charged. You nimrod! Were you high when you posted that??

The Sheriff's Department won't confirm any of thee above, basically saying, "I don't know who they got their information from...but it wasn't us", but the reporter's standing by the story. Oh, and South Carolina governor, Mark Sanford, came out against the potential arrest of thee Olympic champion, stating that, "I don't see what it gets at this point." At least he's interested in getting re-elected, unlike, apparently, Sheriff Lott." In other words...let it go and quit trying to get your picture in the paper!!

Moving on to baseball's bigs...a day after Alex Rodriguez KIND OF admitted to "being on the juice"...Astro's shortstop Miguel Tejada has been charged with lying to Congress about steroids. He's due in court tomorrow, where he's expected to plead guilty in a pre-arranged "plea deal".
Wihout that deal, he faced as much as a year in jail if convicted, and he WOULD have been!! He had denied knowledge of an ex-teammate's use of performance-enhancing drugs, but I'll be darned, that very same teammate said he discussed steroids with Tejada and that he'd provided Tejada with testosterone and HGH. Oh, and did I mention...Tejada wrote that guy checks for $3,100 and $3,200. Guilty as charged you moron!

And Tejada can thank an old buddy of his for getting him in this spot in the first place. You remember Rafael Palmeiro, the guy who pointed a finger at Congress and said, "I have never used steroids, period." Yeah, that guy! Well, back in 2005 he told a Congressional Committe that his positive test must have resulted from a B-12 vitamin injection given to him by.... Tejada. Thanks Bud!! Appreciate ya!

But, these should be the last of the guys going to Capitol Hill, at least for the near future... because the new chairman of that committee said, "Thee American people need leaders who will focus on stemming job losses and getting credit to flow in the marketplace before hearing from yet another person who cheated both himself and the game of baseball." Bravo sir! Bravo! You put Clemens and Bonds in jail the same way you did Martha Stewart and Marion Jones...and we're all done with this ugly moment in American history!

Monday Moron

2009-02-09T14:47:00.000-08:00

Today's Mental Midgets hail from Ashington, England...where safety engineers on a 480-foot mine shaft elevator raised that elevator to the surface, then sent it screaming into a free fall. They did this FOUR times before discovering....there were 2 miners trapped inside the thing!!

One of them said afterward, "I never want to get back into a pit cage as long as I live". The men had bounced up and down inside the elevator for TWO hours!!

"As The Needle Turns"

2009-02-09T13:51:00.000-08:00

By now, most of you have heard that Alex Rodriguez, or "A-ROID" as he will forever be known... HAS admitted to using performance enhancing drugs...which is a good thing. HOWEVER...certain items he revelead during that absolutely ridiculous "dog and pony" show he did with ESPN's Peter Gammons are pure crap!!

The first thing he said that I don't buy even a little bit...is, "To be quite honest, I don't know exactly what substance I was guilty of using."

PLEASE!!! This is a ridiculously talented athlete who watches EVERYTHING he puts in his body from a "Ding Dong" to a cheeseburger. So, he ABSOLUTELY knew what the heck was in that needle being stuck in his keester!!! I've made the admission, that in my misspent youth, I was stupid enough to try these things...and despite the fact that I have next to zero memory...I still know it was Testosterone and Deca-Durabolin (oral and injected). So, you're a liar Alex!

As for WHY he took the drugs...he offered up the same excuse your random 6 year old would after getting caught doing something...because everybody else was doing it!! He said the culture earlier this decade of taking performance-enhancing substances was "prevalent." "There were a lot of people doing a lot of different things," noting that he wasn't specifically pointing out the Rangers, BUT, with regard to the Rangers, he was playing with Rafael Palmeiro, Pudge Rodriguez and Jose Canseco...all of whom were on the needle.

Then, when he threw in this little gem, I about wanted to puke! "When I arrived in Texas in 2001, I felt an enormous amount of pressure, felt all the weight of the world on top of me to perform, and perform at a high level every day", basically, blaming the $252 million contract he signed with the Texas Rangers for his decision.

So, to sum this up... everybody else was doing it and all the money I was making put pressure on me!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! He added, "I was young, I was stupid, I was naïve." Okay...then what were you 14 months ago when you did an interview with Katie Couric on "60 Minutes," when you denied ever using steroids? Regarding this...he said, "I wasn't being truthful with myself. How could I be truthful with Katie Couric or CBS?"

If this was your 3rd grader...would you believe a word he's saying?? Mother...Father...I apologize for digging holes in the dining room table with that knife. All my friends were doing it and I felt an inordinate amount of pressure to keep up. I know I lied to you about doing it...but it's only because I was young and naive!!

WHAT...are we all taking crazy pills here??

As for him claiming that he only took steroids for the 3 years he was with the Rangers, he's lieing about that too!! If your reason for takin' 'em in the first place is the pressure you felt...you mean to tell me you QUIT taking them AFTER you went to NEW YORK and had to play next to Derek Jeter.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...I submit for your approval... the 2006 playoffs...where A-Rod was dropped to 8th in the lineup...the lowest he'd been since he was a 20 year old rookie, because he was hitting .091 in the first three games of their best-of-5 series with the Tigers and hadn't driven in a run in 11 straight playoff games dating back to 2004. His exact words about the situaton...``There's tension in this clubhouse. We've worked too hard this year to go home like this."

Okay...so, the following season...he hits 54 home runs, has a career high 154 RBI's and wins the American League MVP award! You think he wasn't back on the juice that year?? If so, you may need to fill up a little plastic cup your own bad self!

"I did take a banned substance. For that, I am very sorry and deeply regretful." Please! Spare me! Thee only thing you're sorry and regretful for...is that your urinalysis results became public! You lied to Katie and other than admitting that you did it now...you're a liar today!

Friday Moron

2009-02-06T13:30:00.000-08:00

Today's Mental Midget hails from Germany...as we usher in Friedrich Riesfeldt, a Zoo-keeper, who fed his plugged-up pachyderm 22 doses of elephant laxative, along with more than a bushel of berries, figs, and prunes to help get things going.

On top of the drugs and dietary delicacies, Friedrich was in the process of administering an "Olive Oil Enema" (and you think your job sucks)...when the relieved beast UNLOADED!!

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defacation knocked poor Friedrich to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock, as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him, thus proving the point that S**t does indeed happen!

Friday Sports

2009-02-06T11:41:00.000-08:00

Happy Day of Deliverance to ya... the weekend has finally arrived and ...and HERE is what's what in the wacky world of schwarz...

Kicking things off with news from thee NFL... that filling in for Tom Brady is worth a nice little pay raise if you do a good job. Such was the case of the Patriots' Matt Cassel, who before this year hadn't started a game since HIGH SCHOOL! Nonetheless...after being forced into duty when the Hated One went down...he led New England to an (11-5) record, and with Brady's health still up in thee air...the team slapped the "franchise" tag on him yesterday. What that means is...he'll earn AT LEAST 14.5 million this next season...a 14 million dollar pay raise, and while he's still a free agent, the Patriots can match any offer made by another team or allow him to sign with that team in exchange for two first-round draft picks. Doing the math...each one of those 11 wins he led them to...earned him 1.3 million apiece!! I said dang!

Swimming on to today's episode of "As The Bong Hit Turns"...
...it appears that there are gonna be some ramifications for Michael Phelps and an "I'm Sorry" is not gonna just get him a pat on the back. He's been suspended from competition for three months by USA Swimming, along with one of his sponsors, Kelloggs, announcing they won't renew their deal with him, saying his behavior is "not consistent with the image of Kelloggs." This is going to hurt him in a couple ways.

First of all...the cash he was gettin' from them to be on cereal boxes and such, that's history...as well as, no more FREE PRODUCT... which really sucks, because when you're high...Rice Krispy Treats are really, REALLY good!

Thursday Moron

2009-02-05T14:30:00.000-08:00

Today's mental midgets hail from Tulsa, where the local lawmen responded to an emergency call that a man was holding a woman at knifepoint. The officers immediately sprang into action and surrounded the WRONG house!! The man was in the house NEXT DOOR!

He tried several times to surrender...but the police, thinking he was just a nosy neighbor, kept ordering him back inside. After about an hour, a guy who lived nearby alerted the boys in blue of their mistake!

Thursday Sports

2009-02-05T14:21:00.000-08:00

Happy Thursday to ya. We are but one and a wakeup from the weekend now and here is what's what in the wacky world of sports...

Tipping things off with the Men of Thunder...who took to the home hardwood last night looking to snap a little 2 game streak of suckage...but the Nuggets' Carmelo Anthony got 'em AGAIN...knocking down the game winning shot with 5 seconds to play, leading to a VERY tough 1 point loss!

Up next...it's Portland here on Friday night, then Sacramento on Sunday.

As for the kids on campus...the 2nd ranked Coach Capel and his Crew rolled out the red carpet for Texas A&M last night...and thee Aggies gave 'em all they wanted...but a 17-1 OU run got the good guys out of the gym with a 77-71 win improving them to (22-1) ...the best start in school history. They'e also unbeaten and (8-0) at the halfway point of the Big 12 schedule. Colorado's up next for a beatdown at thee LNC on Saturday.

Checking in with our pals from upta Eskimo Joe's...as I told you yesterday..Pistol Pete and Company had a "must win" situation in hand last ngiht with Texas Tech in town at thee Iba...and the Cowboys took care of bi'ness....eeeking one out over Texas Tech with a good news final of 81-80. The win gets 'em to (3-4) in the league heading into road games at Kansas and Texas. A split in those 2 games would be HUGE!!

Dribbling on to the ladies, OSU's 25th ranked Cowgirls...are home with the Puke Orange Bev-ettes tonight.

Passing the pipe... let's check in with with today's episode of ..As The Bong Turns...as Swimming's governing body has praised Michael Phelps for his public apology of the "hit" heard round the world, saying, "As a citizen, Michael Phelps displayed inappropriate behavior. But his sincere regret and the promise that such a situation will not happen again are sufficient guarantees that this great star will continue generating respect and appreciation to all fans of our sport around the globe." Lemme ask you this? Have you ever gotten caught doing something stupid, apologized, and then had so many people say what a great person you are??? I sure hope that if I ever get in a bar-room brawl and break a chair over somebody's head and then say, "Yeah, I did it..but I was drunk, so I'm really sorry"...that I get a key to the City!! I MEAN!!!!

Checking the gridiron of glory...National Letter of Intent Singing day is over with...so, we'll see how the kids do when they get to campus. A bunch of 'em are already there in Norman, so, we'll be able to get a look at them when Spring Practice begins, March 3rd.

Moving on to thee NFL...the "Once-mighty Silver and Black", Oakland RAYYY-DUHHSS...have decided on Tom Cable as their head coach next season. Beyond next year, who the heck knows, because Al Davis is old and crazy. But, I'm cool with this guy stickin' around, because once he took over, he ended the season with 2 straight wins and three of their last six. I'm gonna go out on a limb right now and say that they are NEXT YEAR'S Arizona Cardinals. They may not make it to the Super Bowl, but will be back in the playoffs. But then again, I'm a crack-headed Raider fan and think we're gonna win it all every year! Cable is the Raiders fifth head coach since 2003. I said DANG!

And finally...speaking of CRACK HEADS...did you guys catch the story out of New York yesterday that the Yankees have been quietly (and I mean VERY quietly) negotiating a sponsorship deal with Bank of America for the new Yankee Stadium. They were close to a deal in September that would have approached the $20 million a year the Mets are getting from Citigroup. And normally...this wouldn't be that big a deal...but if you've been paying any attention AT ALL...Bank of America, got $45 billion in federal bailout money, and they've already been under fire for sponsoring a five-day fanfest leading up to the Super Bowl. They responded to people freaking out about that ...saying they were just honoring a deal signed months before the bailout. Really???
Are you kidding me??? Somebody needs to go to JAIL over this!!!! The government didn't give you that money so you could just KEEP spending money like a drunken sailor!!!! Screw the Yankees! They just spent 423.5 million dollars on feee agents this offseason!!!

I'm tellin' ya...somebody in D.C. needs to be gettin' involved, and I mean NOW!!!! Because that's TAXPAYER money...not Monopoly money!!

Hump-day Moron of the Day

2009-02-04T09:16:00.000-08:00

As always, it's brought to you by our friends at Ft. Thunder Harley Davidson:

Today's mental midget hails from parts unknown...as we usher in one Sylvester Briddell Jr., who was killed as he WON A BET with his friends, who said he wouldn't place a loaded revolver, with 4 rounds in it, IN HIS MOUTH...and pull the trigger! Well, they massively underestimated Sylvester's willingness to take a "Double Dog Dare" and I'll be damned, he shot himself to win a BET!!

And for his effort, my man Sylvester earned himself the following prize:

I always appreciate receiving Moron submissions from you maniacs, so, if you see something funny, send it my way! You'll receive full credit on the air, as well as the blog.